Elated and relieved, yet sad and deflated

Once the reality of Scott's conviction had more fully set in, I went outside and thanked the Creator for His great deliverance for me and my family. My pleas over the past decade have not always been pleasing, because of my desperate need to have Scott out of my life and the life of my family, specifically my daughter's life. However, the Creator, in His divine wisdom, granted me His salvation from this over-cumbersome burden. Scott will now be unable to influence her with his rhetoric and violent ideas. Elation may not fully describe how I'm feeling, but maybe it does. I'm not as exuberant as I thought I would be, though I am relieved! I no longer will live in fear of Scott kidnapping my daughter and hiding her in a location where I would never see her again. And, yet, I'm sad. Sad that any of this took place, sad for Scott. I'm not so much sad that he is having to live the consequences of his choice, but sad that he doesn't seem to realize what he has done. So, where do we go from here.

How does one go from speeding as fast as one can go to zero, in a matter of what seems like mere seconds. What is life going to be like, now that the biggest obstacle in my path is now removed. I feel deflated, exhausted, spent. For sure the element of fear is removed, for the first time since July of '01 when Scott first came to live with me. I knew in my heart of hearts, then, that something wasn't right, but dismissed it as being "new relationship jitters". I couldn't have been more wrong in my rationalization! I have since learned to pay heed to that spiked ping pong ball feeling inside of me.

Today is a new day, one that I hope will bring about a new sense of direction. It won't be easy to find a new center of balance, but it will definitely be easier than what I've been going through. A termination of Scott's paternal rights will be filed this week, which will, hopefully, bring about a great sense of closure.


Susan Archer
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